Zip-lining in Colorado

May 1, 2021

I used to love surprises. In Miami and Chicago surprises usually consisted of a fancy dinner or some kind of cool art exhibit. Easy. Safe. In Colorado, surprises can be split into two categories: things that go fast or things that go high.

So when my wonderful well-meaning husband said he was planning a birthday surprise for me, I had to make a list of hard-nos. No skydiving, no helicopters, no rock-climbing, no paragliding, and absolutely no bungee jumping. Thank god I had made these very clear, because he looked defeated. But to my dismay he found something else to do and refused to give me even the slightest clue. 

I had to wait until the night before my birthday to finally get some answers. 

“What do I wear?” 
“The same thing you wore to go hiking last time.” Great. It was going to be outdoors.
“What about jewelry?” 
“Don’t take your engagement ring or your necklace” Awesome. That means they were either in danger of being stolen or snagged on something.
“Shoes?” 
“Sneakers” Am I going to be expected to do any kind of strenuous physical exercise?
“What about a backpack?”
“No backpack. No phone. But you can bring a Go Pro helmet mount” Ever better. We would be wearing helmets. That means whatever activity he conjured up out of the evil recesses of his mind could crush our skulls. 
“Ok, can I also bring a go pro with a chest mount?”
“No, nothing can be on your chest.” PERFECT. That means we’d be wearing harnesses. Just fantastic. 

Unsurprisingly, on the morning of April 30th, I didn’t feel well. I had the nervous poops as I lovingly call them. Three times. I thought the sight of my red sweaty face as I shuffled out of the bathroom would surely make him feel guilty enough that he’d give me a hint. But no such luck. 

I hid away my jewelry, packed my charged GoPro (incase I needed proof that my husband killed me), and I set off towards the unknown. 

The one hour drive into the mountains didn’t do much to quell my nerves. The constant twists and turns made me nauseous and I had a horrifying realization. I forgot to bring Dramamine, my trusty motion sickness medication. What would I do if this “surprise” consisted of an aircraft of some sort. Or god forbid a boat. I would spend the first day of my 29th year vomiting my organs away. I hoped Adrien knew me well enough to let me know if this was something that could potentially make me sick… I had little confidence. 

Finally, we pulled into a non-assuming strip mall and then I started getting REALLY worried. They the fuck were we going?! And then I saw it. A little log cabin with a blue printed banner proudly stating  “Denver Ziplining Adventures.” Ok, heights. That’s not great. But at least it’s not skydiving or wrestling bears. Plus I had done Ziplining once before in the Dominican Republic and that went ok! If I’m being honest though, the only reason that went ok is because I dragged my best friend along and she was more terrified than I was. Not being the most hysterical person in the group really boosted my confidence. But this time, Randall was 4,670 miles away, living in London, unaware that I needed her be-more-sared-than-Jessy services. 

We signed in and waited for “orientation” where they basically tell you all the things not to do or you’ll die. Ok, I’m being dramatic. They basically tell you not to bring your cellphone or any other loose items in case you drop them, and tell you how to put on your harness and helmet. Same thing.

After the orientation, they herded us into a room where we got fitted with our super comfy harnesses. The wedgie situation was at best awful and at worst assault. Then they loaded us into a van and off we went! Into the forest and up a mountain. Just like I like it! There were a lot of bumps and sharp turns and once again I was cursing myself for not thinking to bring my Dramamine. 

They gave us a little practice run first on a flat zipline about 6 feet off the ground. All you had to do was glide towards a tree, use your legs to push off, and drift back to the instructor. I was last in line. With all that time to think, I just kept visualizing my legs somehow not making contact with the tree and my body smashing into it George of the Jungle style. Luckily, that didn’t happen. I completed the exercise flawlessly and nauseously.

Then it was time for the first real zipline. From one mountain to another mountain, hundreds of feet above the ground. My heart was beating in my throat. I broke the silence by loudly asking “What do you do if you’re afraid of heights?” Everyone laughed, but no one answered my very sincere question. Last time, I had time to mentally prepare. This time, I had no idea I was going ziplining until it was too late.

Then suddenly, I had made it to the other side. I’m pretty sure I blacked out.

The next zipline was somehow worse. I second and third and fourth guessed myself  this time as I walked down the hill to one of the instructors, Jess. I felt like I was walking to my execution. I turned around and glanced at Adrien nervously. “Do you want to go first?” I asked as Jess awkwardly tried to clip me onto the line without an ounce of effort on my part. Adrien laughed and shook his head. I gulped. 

I turned to Jess “are you sure I’m clipped in correctly? I’m not going to fall?” She laughed and assured me everything was fine. I asked again for good measure. “Trust me I’d like to keep my job. I promise you’re all set.” 

Tony, another instructor yelled “Ok, on the count of 3! 1…2—” and I was sent flying over the canyon. The wind whipped at my face, I felt my nausea rising, but then I took a look around at the beautiful scenery. The blue skies, the rocky cliffs, and the lush pine forest zooming past me, and suddenly my fear turned into excitement. I reached the end almost too soon as the third instructor had just gotten off his radio. “Tony wants me to tell you 3.”

The third and fourth zipline were a piece of cake. I allowed myself to relax into the experience and found myself singing “I’m like a birdddddd I wanna fly away” under my breath more times than I care to admit. 

And then we reached the fifth zipline: the longest line in Colorado. You know when you are enjoying a rollercoaster for the first few seconds, but then it lasts so long that you’re like “GET ME OFF THIS DAMN THING”. No? Just me? Well, this was a lot like that. Since it’s so long, they ask you to let go of the zipline handles and hold onto your harness instead so that you can gain enough speed to make it all the way to the end. What they don’t tell you is that this can make you spin uncontrollably. So halfway though this 90-second long zipline, I start turning backwards, forwards, sideways, all while screaming my face off. But looking back, this was actually my favorite line of them all.

The final zipline was the the fastest line in Colorado. Adrien must have really done his research. For this one, they asked us to spread out our arms and legs about halfway down so that we would slow down as we neared the braking system. The problem was, I was going so fast I didn’t want to let go of my harness because of some misplaced comfort that I could somehow save myself if the line snapped. So I was an awkward 75% starfish with my legs out, one arm out, and one hand holding firmly onto my harness as I sped towards the brakes. Needless to say, I broke HARD. My Go Pro was almost thrown off my helmet from the force. But I was alive. I was aliveeeeee and there were no more cliffs I needed to jump off of. 

We took some pictures at the end and then headed back to the bus where I thanked Adrien profusely. I don’t think I would have been brave enough to book this for myself but I was extremely grateful that he did. Now I’ve been researching all the coolest places to zipline in Colorado. And so should you!!!

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Here’s the place we went to: Denver Zip Line Adventures

They were so kind, patient, and professional. 10/10 recommend!