My Disastrous Scuba Diving Attempt

June 3, 2021

We were fighting. On our honeymoon. All because Adrien didn’t uphold his side of the deal. He promised me that if I did something terrifying, he’d do something equally as terrifying. For me that was scuba diving. For him? Karaoke. 

And then he backed out because he was “too nervous”. I even offered to do a riveting duet of Grease’s Summer Nights with him. But nope. He was an unwavering asshole. If I remember correctly, we had intermittent fights about it over a four day span. Because scuba diving had been the worst experience of my young life. 

My torture, I mean adventure, started on the first day of our trip on a bright and sunny morning. We were already off to a rocky start because for the five years that Adrien and I had been dating at the time, Adrien had never, not once, seen me without any makeup. And you can’t really go scuba diving with fake eyelashes… I was uncomfortable to say the least. I refused to look him straight on. One of my many charming insecurities.

I arrived at the teaching center looking like a naked mole rat and filled out a few dozen papers stating that I wouldn’t sue if my lungs collapsed, I got lost at sea, got eaten by a giant squid, or drowned. All the very logical possibilities that were swirling through my mind. 

Let me explain how we got there in the first place. It was June 2017 and were honeymooning at the Sandals Grande Antigua resort. Sandals resorts boasts a ridiculously extensive list of amenities and activities. One of which was scuba diving for people who are not certified. The deal is, you take a three hour course in the “training pool”, and then you can go out on the ocean and scuba dive with your instructor. It’s an awesome idea – for people who aren’t deathly afraid of the ocean. 

Adrien had gotten his scuba certification a few years back and had always wanted me to join him on his underwater adventures. So after a lot of begging, Adrien finally convinced me to try it. “It’s the most magical experience” he said. “It’ll be life changing” he said. “It’ll be so much fun” he said….

So here I was, makeup-less, with a nervous stomach ache, in a too tight wetsuit, staring at a pool that would surely be my demise, waiting for my instructor. 

Once he arrived and introduced himself, I explained for about five minutes that I have an actual phobia of the ocean and that I’m not a good swimmer. He shook his head and, like everybody else on the planet, he grossly overestimated my abilities. 

“Ok, to start, let me see you do six laps around the perimeter of the pool”. I BURST OUT LAUGHING. “Is this mandatory?” I blurted out. “Yes it’s just to warm up and for me to gage how strong of a swimmer you are.” I had already told him I was trash but apparently he needed to see proof. 

So I set off swimming my first lap. I immediately got a cramp in my side and my heart felt like it was going to explode from the exertion. I tried so hard. Just a few more strokes, almosssst there. And I had to stop. I had made it 1/4th of the pool. 

My instructor seemed concerned when he asked me why I stopped. I told him between breaths. “Too… tired.. told …you… can’t… swim…” He stared incredulously at me. “Ok, um, do you think you could give me three laps instead of six?”

No. No, I could not. I was so pitiful that by the middle of the 2nd lap, he asked me to stop. We had already taken up almost half an hour of our lesson time.

Next on the list was getting me familiar with the equipment. Today, I can’t remember anything I learned because my brain does a pretty good job of blocking out useless information, and I will never be scuba diving again. All I know is that I was only interested in the little tube that would keep me breathing. 

I geared up and jumped in the pool. This task was already way more than I was comfortable with. I hadn’t jumped in a pool since I was 5 years old.

And with all that equipment, I fell fast and sunk straight toward the bottom. As I panicked and tried to swim to the surface I thought this is how I die. Cool, cool.

He took me through serval drills, all equally as horrifying. There was one where I had to purposely get water in my mask and then clear it out by tilting the top of my mask away from my nose and blowing out hard. In another, I had to toss away my breathing tube and use my instructor’s instead, to prepare for any emergencies we may encounter. Breathing under water was absolutely surreal. I hated it. And what I didn’t know at the beginning of all this, is that in order to get air, you have to suck in hard. If you don’t, the valve won’t open and you won’t be able to get any oxygen. This is important for later.

At the end of the three hour lesson, we got out of the pool and the instructor said “You did great! (liar) Would you like to go out into the ocean and try a real dive?” I stared at Adrien. I really didn’t want to. I could barely do these things in a pool and the ocean is at the top of my long list of phobias. Adrien smiled at me and expectantly nodded his head. This is after all what we agreed upon and I keep my promises damn it. 

So the next thing I knew, we were on a small boat heading out into the deep blue sea. And here’s where the actual story begins.

It was just Adrien and I, my instructor, the captain of the boat and two crew mates. I was trying not to think of the fact that I would soon have to actually get in the water. I was enjoying the breeze and the brisk speed we were traveling at. 

Ahead of us, the skies were blue and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. And then I looked back towards the island of Antigua. Where there had been clear skies just a few moments ago, there were now menacing swirling black clouds. Almost instantaneously, the waves got larger and the ride got rougher. The boat rocked back and forth. The air felt heavy with rain. Oh shit, I thought as my anxiety started creeping in. What if the storm gets so bad that the boat pitches us off and we drown? What if the visibility gets so terrible that we can’t make it back and get lost at sea? What if I go scuba diving and I can’t see anything because the sun isn’t around and I get attacked by something? What if when I’m done scuba diving and come back to the surface, the rain is so heavy that I can’t find the boat?!

Before I knew it, I was sobbing. The boat had stopped and my nausea bubbled to the surface as we rocked back and forth against the swelling waves. As the storm loomed closer, my instructor worked quickly getting all my gear on me. I quickly realized that crying and scuba diving were a terrible combination. My mask kept fogging up from my tears. 

Then the men on the boat walked me to the edge and looked at me expectantly. Did they want me to jump? I was not ready for this. “Um… you first” I told my instructor. He jumped in. “Now you?” I begged Adrien. He jumped in. And then there was no one else… It was my turn. The boat rolled side to side as I stared at the murky waters below. It had started to rain, which really wasn’t helping matters. The captain came over and told me that the best way to jump in was to hang one foot out of the boat, and just gracefully step forward into the water. 

He counted “1…2…3…” and pushed me. At the last second, I took hold of the staircases on either side of me and caught myself. Everyone laughed. “Don’t you want to go scuba diving?” If I would have opened my mouth to speak, I knew I’d start crying agin, so I just shook my head violently. “Come on!” Adrien yelled from the water. My goggles were so fogged up from the rain and my silent tears that I could barely see his face. It’s now or never I told myself. I nodded to the captain and he began his count again. “1…2…-“ I hovered one foot in midair, and then, instead of stepping “gracefully” off the boat, I leaned my entire body over and face-planted into the waves.

My heavy tank dragged me under. It was dark, my mask was blinding me, and I immediately started to panic. And then my life vest did it’s job and I bobbed up to the surface gasping for breath. Adrien was howling with laughter and, to my dismay, so was my instructor. I’m so glad I could provide them with quality entertainment. 

The cool ocean did nothing to calm my nausea. The waves were three feet high and I kept going under. I awkwardly doggy paddled towards my instructor. He handed me a rope that I was to use to make my way down into the depths. I told him that I was beginning to feel sick, to which he replied “Once you go under, you won’t feel the rolling waves anymore. Go now.”

“NOW?” I choked just as another massive wave crashed over me. I swallowed a large amount of water.

“Yes!” He disappeared under the surface. I wiped my goggles one last time as another huge wave crashed against me stinging my eyes and effectively drowning me once more. I placed my mouthpiece in between my teeth and dove.

The ocean was dark and expansive, and I did not like it at all. I am literally living my worst fucking nightmare. I tried to take a breath. But the oxygen wouldn’t flow. Tried again. Nothing. I had to go back up, and I immediately got pummeled by another wave. The rain was coming down hard now and lightning danced around the angry skies. My goggles were so fogged up that I couldn’t see the boat. Is this even allowed!? Is this even safe? I went back under and took a breath. Nothing. No air was coming out of my tank whatsoever. Was that a giant shadow I just saw swimming under me or am I losing my mind? I came back up. I repeated this series of events a few more time until I finally burst into tears yet again. Surprising, I know.

I had figured it out. You can’t get any oxygen flow if you are hyperventilating. Which is precisely what I was doing. I had been so panicked about my foggy goggles and the huge waves and just being in the ocean in general that I was only able to take the most shallow and tiny of breaths. Like I had mentioned earlier, you need to breathe in hard in order to get oxygen from the tank. Impossible when you’re in full fledged panic mode. 

I started screaming frantically for my instructor. Would he even hear me? Where the hell is the boat? Ah yes, another mouthful of seawater. After what seemed like a lifetime, he popped out of the water. 

I was blabbering and wailing “I DON’T- CANT- NOPE- NOT GONNA DO IT- CAN’T BREATHE!!!” over and over again until my instructor finally got so frustrated with me that he actually yelled “Shut up! Turn around, float on your back, and close your eyes.” 

Like a chastised child I did what I was told. I turned my face up towards the rain and closed my eyes. I felt his hand grab the neck of my life vest and he started towing me back towards the boat. I’m a ridiculous baby, I thought to myself as I sobbed all the way to the boat. Every once in a while I’d opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of Adrien swimming after us laughing his ass off.

After what felt like a lifetime, we were back on the boat. The captain and the crew stared at me, clearly wondering what the fuck had just happened and if I was mentally stable. Everyone was quiet for a few minutes as Adrien helped me out of my gear before I collapsed on to the bench. “So…are we turning back?” The captain ask. You bet your ass we were turning back. 

As we sped towards the shore, I had a lot of time to think. I had literally made these people drive me out 20 minutes to just turn back around moments after. I was embarrassed to say the least. But I was also very, very excited about the promise of land. Thunder boomed overhead and I cursed under my breath. Why on earth had I let myself get into this situation in the first place?

When we got back to shore, I was still crying. The instructor and captain tried to console me. “Don’t worry! This happens! Nothing to be ashamed of!” 

Oh, really? “So someone else had a panic attack in the middle of the ocean and made you turn the boat around before getting more than two feet under water?” 

They exchanged a glance. “Well, no… but it’s fine!”

AWESOME.

But Adrien was too scared to sing in a bar in front of three elderly couples.